Monday, March 9, 2015

So, You Pissed Hot: The 5 Common Possible Responses to Failing Your MMA Drug Test

Pissing Hot: MMA's Idiot's Guide for what to do when you piss hot.

I constructed this one largely from memory (sad when you stop and think about it) and then google'd articles related to the various excuses offered by grown men as to why they pissed hot. (Re)Reading over their excuses and justifications was pretty sad in it's own right but also a reminder that everyone is human and makes hard decisions in a jam.

I've made poor decisions and this isn't a witch hunt nor the beating of a dead horse. It is, however, largely in part to a bastion of skill and precision, Anderson Silva, first hiding behind his reputation and legacy then backtracking and halfway apologizing but still giving a justification for it and not coming clean.
You got popped. It happens. We all fall short of how we want others to see us. Own up to it and move on. It would be refreshing in it's own right. If you live and make money in the public eye, know that you will be held to a higher standard. It's the nature of the beast. the Visibility which makes you money can also be the same that crucifies you. Such is the nature of the game.

1) I didn't do it/flawed testing methodology/ conspiracy theory method (see also Jon Jones insisting conspiracy/foul play method).
To be fair Jon Jones pulled a Melvin Guillard and got popped for cocaine. I don't care if it's a PED or not. It is a blight on the sport. He's on the list.

See also previously, the Sean Sherk method: "Sherk argued that errors were made in lab testing procedures. He asserted that the lab had failed to properly test the vials used in earlier, positive tests for any remaining steroid content, which may have resulted in his sample becoming contaminated" 
"I didn't take the stuff. I took three polygraphs, nobody did that before. I took a blood test and no other fighter did that. "

2) I didn't mean to - the Braulio Estima
I didn't know I would be fighting soon/again (see also Stephan Bonnar: "By the time I got that call I had been off them for a couple weeks," said Bonnar, whose UFC 153 test failure was the second of his career. "So it was like, oh man, now I have to work on my cardio, diet really good and be ready for this fight, hey if I beat Anderson Silva, the s- is out of my system, I'm going to rule the world.")

3) Therapeutic use - the Anderson Silva (ironically, see Stephan Bonnar also: ""I haven't been in the gym," Bonnar said. "I'm weak, I'm skinny, I got some stem cell procedures done on my knee, I took a lot of time off. I'm like, crap. I'm really injury prone.")

4) The I'm a legend, believe me, my fans know I wouldn't do that - I don't even want to list the guys who have done this (Anderson at first, now going with Therapeutic use) AKA the Bill Clinton "I did not have sexual relations with that woman" dead eye straight ahead look into the camera move.

Anderson Silva Up Close & Personal v1I will not say anything about who I am or what I went through to get here. What matters to me now is the respect from those who have followed my career.
I bled, struggled and fought because I love it and because I always wanted to honor the flag of the country I love so much. I don’t know what to apologize for, because I am still waiting for the results and analysis from the specialists that are working to reveal the truth.
I think that the hurry some people have to condemn me is unfair. The time it takes to destroy a reputation is infinitely less than that is taken to build it.
I am the one who is most eager to settle this situation.
I want those who have always supported me to know that I am still fighting for all the sad happenings of this situation to be cleared.”
Well, he said "in respect," so that makes it true. The appeal to his fans and their hearts to have us believe him is hard to swallow seeing how that he knew full well he pissed hot. He appeals to his countrymen, to his fans, whoever but ultimately it was simply waxing poetic because he now is backsliding into a half admission with "therapeutic use".
It is what it is.

*5) The one they should use - the everyone is doing it bandwagon response - "I have to do it to compete" version, AKA the Jose Canseco. We're all aware that PED's are a scourge in the sport. We're all aware after watching guys who were Hercules in Pride come over and not fare as well that perhaps there was something "in the water" over there *cough cough* *cough, painkillers, cough, steroids*.
This would actually be something I would consider and take to heart.

*6)The other one they should use - If Lindsay Lohan: If she can own up to her failings, grown male cagefighters should be able to as well.
See also the Stephan Bonnar or the Hermes Franca: ""I offer only an explanation and not an excuse," Franca said. "I made a decision during a difficult time in my training for the fight that I regret."" 

See Also: CagePotato's Definitive Timeline for Steroids and for Testosterone.

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